Hi Guys
This week, I would like to discuss the topic of loneliness.
We have hundreds of virtual “friends” but no one we can ask to feed the cat.
We are a lot more free than our grandparents were, but also more disconnected.
Esther Perel - The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
As I type this, it is 5:46pm on a warm, tropical and rainy day at the end of another work week in Singapore.
I am sitting at an outdoor communal table at Crossroads Cafe on the ground floor of Singapore’s Marriott Tang Hotel along the world-famous Orchard Road shopping belt.
It’s a Friday, so there’s that familiar wonderfully positive energy in the air of people who have just gotten off work and are hurrying towards their evening appointments.
As for myself, the latest James Bond movie, No Time To Die, has just been released and I’ve decided to treat myself to a cheeky 6pm IMAX screening across the road at Shaw Theatres IMAX.
I’m killing some time with this refreshingly cold Kirin (surprisingly great value considering the location → $10++ Happy Hour pints until 8pm) which helps with digesting a Guzman y Gomez spicy steak burrito that I’ve wolfed down on the way over:
My back is facing the pedestrian footpath and in front of me I have a great view of the patrons at the bar. As far as solo activities go, it’s actually my favourite combination - people watching, warm weather, rainy mood, drink in hand.
The current scene brings back two vivid memories of:
sipping a Starbucks black coffee during my student days after class overlooking the manic Shibuya crossing; and
having a morning coffee with my Dad and uncle seven years ago (almost to the day!) at Les Deux Magots in Paris, which I first saw in the amazing 2012 French movie, The Intouchables and said to my Dad that we must go if we were ever visiting
Busting out the iPad to stay somewhat productive, I begin to look around for some inspiration for today’s newsletter.
It does not take long before I find it in the people seated closest to me - the three people I’m sharing the table with and a lady seated at a table in front of me.
To my left, there is an Australian caucasian man (the strong Aussie accent is an instant giveaway!), probably in his 50s, with a female friend from mainland China (again, judging from her accent), perhaps in her late 30s/early 40s.
Although social distancing rules are in place due to the ongoing pandemic (e.g. max. 2 persons per group in an outdoor social setting for at least the next three weeks), meaning that there are distinct gaps between people at the table, I still can’t help but overhear some of their conversation.
From what I make out, it’s their first time meeting.
The man (let’s call him X) has asked multiple times - professionally and politely - if the lady (let’s name her Y) lives near to the bar, how Y travelled there, etc. For the most part, X and Y’s conversation is primarily a mutual commiseration on work issues, a lack of travel opportunities and a sense of feeling stuck in Singapore. X compares his own situation to his friends in Perth, who have been free to take holidays to various locations in Western Australia.
After some minutes, Y has had enough of X prying into her personal life and makes a trip to the bathroom. X instantly does what almost all of us do nowadays when we are alone in a public place - instantly takes out his phone and starts scrolling through it.
To my right is a guy (Z) probably around my age and, judging from Z’s accent, Canadian Chinese or American Chinese. Z has just ordered his second happy hour pint and has pivoted his chair to face the bar area, and by all estimates doing the same thing as me - people watching the bar area and staring continuously at absolutely nothing in particular.
In front of me, a lady (W) is seated alone with a glass of red wine and a large Louis Vuitton shopping bag resting on the chair next to her. Each time that I have looked up from my iPad screen, W has been scrolling through her Instagram feed non-stop.
In paying a little extra attention to my surroundings on this Friday evening, it was quite fascinating yet comforting to realise, and also reaffirm, how much (from my perspective) I have in common with X, Y, Z and W without actually knowing them.
Like X, I scroll through my phone to look like I have busy with something when a friend goes to the bathroom.
Or, like Y, I will excuse myself to the bathroom in an attempt to get some alone time.
I’m equally quite comfortable staring into blank space like Z or get ridiculously well-acquainted with the latest on my IG feed like W.
As the American entrepreneur, Naval Ravikant, brilliantly puts it this podcast interview with Tim Ferriss that I first listened to several years ago:
Modern society gives us incredible flexibility in that we can get away from our crazy family members, and we’re not destined to die where we were born or do what our parents did. So we have incredible freedom.
But then coming with it is this tremendous loneliness that we try and cover up either through drugs or alcohol, or partying, even trying to find a mission like putting people on Mars.
But the reality is a lot of that loneliness just comes from being disconnected from growing up with your tribal environment.
So it’s important as you get older to figure out how to build your tribe that is always around you. And actually, the more they’re in your business, the better.
When I go to India and to my grandparents’ house, it’s impossible for anyone in that house to be depressed. There are three dogs barking, there are seven cousins in your business, there’s your aunt asking you, did you eat enough; do you want this Everyone is always in your business.
Naval Ravikant - Excerpt from Episode #97 of The Tim Ferriss Show (“The Evolutionary Angel, Naval Ravikant”)
So while having the opportunity to be alone is a tremendous freedom that I thoroughly enjoy, in today’s modern smartphone swiping/scrolling/comparison era, I am finding that while people are more accessible than ever, I am more lonely than as a result of all this…I’ll label it “optionality”…in front of me.
This is not to say all loneliness is negative.
In fact, I view loneliness as something to be embraced. Just as how I believe that in order for me to know what happiness feels like, I need to have gone through sadness, loneliness is actually something that allows me to realise, sustain and ultimately value my friendships.
Of course, just like sadness I don’t necessarily enjoy the feeling of loneliness and Naval’s suggestion to continually “build my tribe” is an interesting concept to reflect on.
So I’ll do that for next week’s newsletter. I’ll self-assess how I have been building my tribe over the past year, and where I can do better such that my tribe is more “in my business”.
Hope this provided some good food for thought for you as much as it did for me!
Have a great weekend and week ahead!
David
This week’s video
I wrote about my current work-from-home desk setup back in Issue #6, and this week I explain it in a YouTube video:
What I watched this week…
1. CODA
At my sister’s recommendation (it’s in her top two movies of all time) I watched CODA which is about a girl who has a talent for singing but is the only hearing member of a deaf family, and as a result has grown up helping her family’s fishing business. She eventually receives her family’s blessing to audition for one of the world’s most prestigious music schools, Berklee College of Music.
That audition scene was the most powerful for me, with the following song sung by the lead actress, Emilia Jones:
I came away from the movie with a renewed sense of respect and empathy for the deaf community, as well as an enormous sense of gratitude for the ability to hear and to enjoy music. The movie is available to stream on Apple TV.
2. No Time To Die
After drinking my Kirin mentioned above, I really enjoyed this last instalment from Daniel Craig! Lots of oomph factor!
3. Here To Heart
Finally finished all 48 episodes of this 2018 Mandarin rom-com drama series this week!
It’s slow pace was helpful for my Mandarin Chinese learning journey and I really am looking forward to visiting Shanghai, where most of the series was filmed, when borders open up!